"Modern Family" works so well because it's exactly what it says it is — a picture of a quirky, charming, nontraditional, modern family. There's also the show's awesome cast, which includes the Colombian bombshell Sofia Vergara who knows that her breasts have enhanced her career (as well as our imaginations).
Season 2 begins tonight on ABC and you can bet there will be more parenting lessons for all functionally dysfunctional families out there. Here are the seven best back-asswards lessons learned from the first season.
1. On achievement
The scene: Manny takes up fencing and he's damn good at it. The whole family comes to the competition to support him, but Manny decides to retire from the sport because he thinks it would be dishonorable to fight a girl — a sick, wheelchair-bound diabetic girl — in the championship. However, Gloria convinces Manny to fight on in the spirit of competition.
The lesson: Encourage your children to succeed, even if that means beating up on a sickly, wheelchair-bound girl.
2. On pornography
The lesson: Sometimes children make convenient scapegoats.
3. On a child's first words
The scene: Cameron and Mitchell are in their living room with their adopted Vietnamese baby, Lily, and Lily's pediatrician. To the shock and awe of Lily's gay fathers, Lily utters her first word, "Mommy," while in the arms of the doctor. Struggling with the angst, Mitchell reasons that Lily only said the word because in addition to the doctor's Asian-ness, she also has breasts. Makes sense. In the end, it turned out Lily hadn't chosen the docter over her dads. She was just mocking a doll that said "Mommy."
The lesson: Make sure children don't have any talking dolls.
4. On school dances
The scene: Alex, the smart, sharp-tongued middle child of Phil and Claire, doesn't want to go to the school dance and wear a dress. You see, she's a bit of a tomboy and she was afraid no one would ask her dance. Claire doesn't understand, so Gloria, Alex's sorta-grandmother takes her dress shopping and quells her fears.
The lesson: When it comes to dress fitting and individuality, the hot Colombian knows best.
5. On family vacations
The scene: When the entire crew ends up on vacation together, Jay gets hurt working out, Phil tries to romance Claire despite having the kids around, Cameron and Mitchell lose Lily in an elevator, and Haley drinks alcohol and throws up.
The lesson: No matter what, something (or everything) will go wrong on a family vacation. And daughters will drink with strangers.
6) On calling a child out for bullsh**
The lessons: Play hardball.
7) On responsibility
The scene: Phil gets Luke a new bike after he learns that Luke has been riding around on his sister's old bike. Later, Phil sees Luke's bike unlocked outside a store, so he tries to teach Luke a lesson by stealing it...only it wasn't Luke's bike. Phil gets busted when he tries to replace the stolen bike with a new bike he bought.
The lesson: Just don't be an idiot.