Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.
Q: I got laid off and have lots of college debt, so I bit the bullet and moved back in with my parents to save cash. I know how sexy this is to women. So I guess my question is: Am I ever going to get laid again?
Yes, but probably in your car a lot. Unless you have one of those cool apartments in a finished attic like sitcom children get when they're too old to live there but need to be kept on set for plot purposes. While some stuck-up types have hangups about joblessness, most of us appreciate the implications of a recession. (It gives us an excuse to shop at stores that use toddler sweatshop labor and steal designs from Etsy craftspeople.) If you're after a relationship, most girls (and probably your loving parents) just want to know you have a plan for the future--so at least have a good line about applying to grad school, saving up for a food truck, or getting your Twitter turned into a TV show. But if you're just looking for sex, I don't think you need to project much fiscal stability beyond the ability to buy drinks and transport yourself to her place without clinging to the back of a trolley car.
Q: I'm in the military and spend most of my time either deployed or training to deploy. My job seems to be a problem for a lot of the women I'm interested in, whether for ideological reasons or just because I am away so much. So, I avoided telling a girl I liked a lot what I do, and when she found out, she said I'd been deceptive. Is it OK not to tell somebody about your job to keep them from writing you off?
I'm glad to see somebody finally dispelling the "uniforms get you laid" myth. I knew it, Recondo from G.I. Joe knew it, and now we all know it. ANYHOW! This is a tough question. While you shouldn't be dishonest, I've seen enough movies about secret millionaires and runaway princesess to know that sometimes, people just want to be liked for who they are and not for their access to helicopters. In your case, I'm sure there are actually MANY women who would appreciate your service (hope you liked that euphemism, because it's the one that's sending me to hell). But, if you're only interested in, say, Buddhist nuns, hold off telling them what you do until they ask. If you and a girl really click, she may be able to see beyond your diametric differences and be the hardline pacifist Paula Abdul to your animated cat-soldier. If you're looking for women who are OK with the fact that you're gone a lot, and may even be drawn to this kind of built-in unavailability, try dating tattoo artists, bloggers, television chefs, or other professionals with known intimacy issues.
Q: The sexual tension between me and my girlfriend's best friend is insane. I love my girlfriend and I don't want to cheat, but her friend and I have the kind of chemistry that makes small hallways at parties an unbearable ordeal. Once when she was drunk, this girl made a joke about it and now it's just out there. What do we do? Should we discuss this?
Who's "we"? You and the tame ferret you keep in your sweatshirt? Then yes, of course. Otherwise, NOOOOOOOOOO. Look, sometimes you have a vibe with people. Sometimes, you take any opportunity to get an extended hug from your ex-boyfriend's hot roommate. (Surprise, sucker! I wasn't even that sad when "Lost" ended!) But everybody who's ever been involved in this type of scenario knows you have a choice. I don't buy the "it just happened" scenario. That said, I don't think loving someone ever kept anybody from cheating, so don't expect shared affection for your girlfriend to keep you and this girl from acting on your impulses. I have doubts about whether monogamy works for most people, but banging the best friend? Unilaterally horrible. Be a grown-up. Either break up with your girlfriend so you can have sex with whomever you want or decide that her friends are not hallway sex tornadoes that you can be sucked into.
Q: I was really fat in high school. Through lots of hard work, I've been fashionably skinny for about six years. The problem: I started dating a girl who LOVES to drink and eat, which is great, except that she does not get that I equate eating carbs with years of being teased for my man tits. I'm really prone to gaining weight, and she gives me a hard time for ordering salads or avoiding her pastas with cream sauce. How do I tell her that I'm not being lame, I just don't want to be fat again?
Oh, for the love of Nancy. Have you tried obsessive exercise? (Joking! What an insensitive and medically irresponsible thing for me to say.) Well, welcome to our collective female metabolic nightmare. Guys love to bitch about girls ordering salads, but FHM covers mini corn dogs get us not. You're in a new relationship, which often begets what my friend refers to as "plowing and chowing" weight gain. I get that you're scared of being fat again, but try to chill out and enjoy your girlfriend's cream sauces, which certainly doesn't feel right to type. Use as much portion control as you can without being a weird creepy food-weigher about it, and hope that the honeymoon phase of her caring what you eat will fade with your sexual enthusiasm for each other. Caveat: Some women dig chunky dudes (I happen to be one of these keepers), so you may not be able to rely on this. In which case, G up and assert yourself, MC Dressing-on-the-Side.
Q: Any quick fixes for spicing up sex in an LTR?
According to acronymfinder.com, you're either asking about a Long Term Relationship, Light Technical Rifle, or Lepidoptera of Turkey. While I'm considered quite the small arms and Turkish butterfly expert, it's been in a while since I was with anybody long enough for things to get humdrum. But if memory serves...have you tried hotel sex? It's best if you have an excuse to travel, like a business trip or the wedding of a wealthy friend whom you secretly hate. But if not, try taking a weekend drive someplace and doing it in a bed that isn't yours. Even cheap motels can be nice, because you've got that tawdry, maybe-somebody-is-watching-us-on-hidden-camera-and-eventually-will-kill-us-for-snuff-films-like-in-a-Luke-Wilson-movie factor. Put some Korbel on ice in the sink and go nuts.
Do you have a relationship question for Boobs Radley? Tweet it @MTVClutch or @BoobsRadley or send her an email.