Lady killer Henry Kissinger (ask yer ma) famously said "Power is an aphrodisiac," and since he's a Machiavellian troll who gets excited to bomb people, we have to assume all other charms were excluded from his success. So with that in mind, The Forbes 100 Most Powerful Women list is out, and we thought we'd depart from our usual "But is she hot?" shallowness to assess our attraction based on fresh new "But is she powerful?" shallowness. Here are six accomplished women.
Forbes' #1) Angela Merkel--German Chancellor
You don't come to rule Germany by showing weakness, so we're dealing with a strong lady. George W. Bush was certainly drawn to Merkel. She once found herself the unwelcoming recipient of an unrequested back rub from him, so definitely make sure you're in before making a move. Awkwaaaaard.
How attracted are we?
2 out of 5 Bratwursts
Forbes' #5) Sheryl Sandberg--COO of Facebook
Well, she swelled Facebook from 70 million to 750 million, making her Kevin Bacon to 11 percent of the world's population. That means about one in 10 people already succumbed to her potent charms.
How attracted are we?
4 out of 5 Pokes
Forbes' #11) Lady Gaga--Singer and Mad Genius/Clown
On one hand, Lady Gaga churns out solid radio pop in a sea of Auto-Tune. On the other, the hygienic concerns of that meat dress would make us leery about hooking up with her. And isn't her power mostly to make everyone talk about her? Crap, we're part of the problem.
How attracted are we?
3 out of 5 Noses
Forbes' #22) Michele Bachmann--Congresswoman
OK, we're calling shenanigans on this one. Even Rep. Bachmann's most ardent Tea Party supporters don't think she's the 22nd most powerful woman on earth, unless she can call down lightning and we haven't heard about it. She's 11 up on Sarah Palin? That woman has an army of followers who would form a human bridge if she got stuck between two unconnected talking points. Besides, if knowledge is power, Bachmann has a history of reciting her power wrong.
How attracted are we?
1 our of 5 Constitutions
Forbes' #22) Beyoncé Knowles--Reason For All Existence
Dude, it's Beyoncé. It's not a question of how attracted are we, it's whether there's room in our bodies for both this crush on her and the air our lungs need to sustain it. She's that rare gem in music today: a singer who can actually sing. She also dances in high heels like the universe depends on it, and she may be right.
How attracted are we?
5 out of 5 Jay-Zs
Forbes' #)53 Queen Rania Al Abdullah--Queen of Jordan
Her 1.6 million Twitter followers know what's up. The Queen fights for children's rights and education around the globe, and pushes for cross-cultural understanding. Why limit yourself to saving the world once? She's also drop-dead gorgeous--d'oh! Sorry, we almost made it through the list without noticing.
How attracted are we?
4 out of 5 Needy Children