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Join Us As We Make Fun Of The Facebook Campus

Posted 5/18/12 5:00 pm EST by in Funny, News, Photos


All Original Photos credit  Alison Yin for the Wall Street Journal

Facebook's $16 billion IPO today has made Mark Zuckerberg the 29th richest person in the world, according to Yahoo!. By the way, he's 28. The financial world is having a collective orgasm/heart attack (probably like that 67-year-old who died while getting a lapdance) as all the numbers pour in from today's mega-deal. But you'd never know that by looking at the serene Facebook campus. That's thanks to the Wall Street Journal, who gave everyone a look behind the walls of the Facebook compound. And now we're going to make fun of it! Because it's the only way we know how to cope with the fact that all these young nerds in one day pocketed buttloads more money than we'll ever see in a lifetime. Read More...

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'Man Town' Candles And Other Products Obnoxiously Marketed To Men

Posted 5/18/12 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, News



Photo: Yankee Candles

Yankee Candle recently became the latest company to take a feminine product and try to dress it up as some kind of head-smashing symbol of brawn and masculinity. Just look at the names of this line of candles for men: "Riding Mower," "2x4," "First Down," and worst of all, "Man Town." What the hell does Man Town smell like?! Dirty laundry and ball sweat? Not only is the attempt to pander to men obnoxious, it's ill-advised. But Yankee explains that the fragrance will help men "Escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk." It sounds like a "SNL" spoof commercial.

This trend of man-ifying products is ridiculous. Yankee believes that enough men are adverse to buying their diverse, existing line of scented candles that it can turn a profit by churning out bulls*** "Man Town" scents. The company is definitely not alone, though. Check out more contrived attempts to market a perfectly unisex product to men.

Dodge Grand Caravan, the "Man Van"


Photo: Dodge

Dodge's so-called man van actually shuts down when a soccer mom gets behind the wheel. It's specially formulated to protect a man's fragile ego.

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Smartphones Make You Ugly, Sugar Makes You Dumb And Taxes Fund Your Erections

Posted 5/16/12 1:00 pm EST by in Funny, News


Today we stumbled upon a trio of troubling news items that are basically just one giant advertisement for smh and make us consider living out the rest of our years in a bungalow off the coast of Thailand.

Smartphones Turn You Ugly

Researchers say that because we hunch over and grimace at glowing blue screens for so long each day, our facial muscles are crapping out. The result is "smartphone face" which consists of "saggy jowls, double chins and marionette lines." So basically, your iPhone is turning you into a fat Jeff Dunham puppet. Sweet.

Sugar Dumbs You Down

Fine, so your "Words With Friends" addiction cost you your looks. But at least you can still kick ass with that Q tile in between lonely ice cream binges. Oh what's that, you now suck at "WwF"? That must be because sugar is making us dumber. Scientists at UCLA found that too much fructose makes it harder to process thoughts, emotions and memories. So you'll be ugly and lonely, but at least you won't even know it.

Stimulus Money Funded Stimulus Research

You can always turn to masturbation. No matter how ugly, stupid or fat you get, that will be there for you. Even if your brain and muscles fail, because, according to NBC, stimulus money funded studies on erectile dysfunction in overweight middle-aged men. Which is good, because there's gonna be a lot of us pretty soon.

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Paris Hilton On The Ones And Twos, Annouces World Tour

Posted 5/16/12 12:10 pm EST by in Celebs, Music, News


Photo by Joe Scarnici/Getty Images for T-Mobile

FINALLY! Remember how you were just saying, "What the electronic music scene really needs is a ditzy socialite to come in and shake things up"? Well, it's happening. Paris Hilton has recently announced that she's going to be making her debut as a DJ at the Pop Music Festival in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Not only that, she's set up a whole tour in support of her house music album! This is going to be great! DJs have a hard enough time defending themselves as "artists," and Paris Hilton getting on the decks is only going to make things worse. Hopefully, she'll get tired of this really fast and we can just add it to the "list of crazy things Paris Hilton thought she could do well," which already includes singing, acting and pornography.

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Tattoo Artist Surgically Attaches iPod To Arm

Posted 5/16/12 11:32 am EST by in News, Tattoos


Via YouTube

Via The FW comes this tale of extreme tattooing: tat artist Dave Hurban of New Jersey attached his iPod nano to his wrist. He's calling it the iDermal, and we're pretty sure that's the opening scene from "Gattica." It would be one thing if he did this in 2008, when iPods were still hip. But now? Might as well have a pog slammer attached to your arm.

OK, so Dave actually implanted four magnets under his skin, which is what holds the iPod (or keys, or coins, or any other metallic objects that are apparently too hard to dig out of pockets) in place. Plus, he can keep the iPod on his person while working out without any straps or cases. Pretty small price to pay for ultimate convenience, I'd say! On the down side, don't magnets destroy mobile devices?

Anyway, if you don't believe us, we have the (bloody) video to prove it!

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Yale Nerds Are Developing Pill To Cure Drunkenness

Posted 5/15/12 1:30 pm EST by in News



Credit: John Moore/Getty Images

Researchers at Yale are developing a "stay sober" pill which they claim will minimize the effects of alcohol. This is a horrible idea. Remember when you were little, and you broke your arm and you were like, "Man, it would be awesome to be a superhero who doesn't feel pain." Because you didn't realize pain is actually quite important? Without pain, you could get kicked in the nuts and have no idea your weekend is ruined. You could sit on your balls without even knowing it. And various other non-genital related things, probably. The point is, without pain, you would eventually meet a horrific (but pain-free!) end.

Same goes for getting drunk. It's a warning apparatus. Once you get to a certain level of drunkenness, your body just shuts down--even (especially) your penis!  It's 2 am, you've been holding that last beer for an hour, it's warmer than your face and there is just NO WAY your body is letting you consume anything else. Total drunken shutdown.

Now, what if those measures were gone? What if you could just keep drinking, all your faculties intact, for the whole night? By the end of the bender, half your blood would consist of barley and hops and your liver would probably explode. Again, a horrific death, but you'd be sober and aware the entire time.

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World Record For Fist-Pumping Set, Surprisingly Not In New Jersey

Posted 5/14/12 12:30 pm EST by in News, TV



Credit: MTV Remote Control

If we told you, "Hey, a guy just set the Guinness World Record for fist-pumping," you'd assume it happened during an episode of "Jersey Shore." To your amazement and ours, the record was set in Ohio, in the shadow of LeBron James' old stomping grounds at the University of Akron. It's OK, let the shock wear off and then allow one New Jersey-shaped tear to fall down your spray-tanned cheek.

The "Jersey Shore" cast made the fist pump popular but James Patterson, a 34-year-old unemployed electrician, is a veteran of the activity. Sort of. He used to hang light fixtures, so he's used to holding his arm above his head for long periods of time. Since he's the only one who's ever decided to do this, he set the world record on his first attempt. He strutted around the University of Akron campus for a solid 16 hours, fist pumping his brains out the whole time. Congrats, bro.

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Serena Williams Raps And Doesn't Suck

Posted 5/11/12 10:20 am EST by in Celebs, Hip-hop, News, Sports


Credit: Ben Gabbe/Getty Images

There's almost nothing more exciting than finding out a celebrity raps and then getting to hear said celebrity rap, because usually it's a monumental suck job. So when we found out Serena Williams is a budding rapper, we were downright giddy. And when we read that she recorded at NFL-er Bryant McKinnie's studio, the stakes got even higher.

But ya know what? She's not that bad! We're not saying she should ditch that whole tennis thing, but it's really not terrible. The Urban Daily via TMZ has a snippet of one of her songs, which we're guessing is called "I Win." Over a club siren beat, the tennis superstar serves verses like "I win, I really mean this /Swag out this world, they should call me Venus" with a sort of Childish Gambino-esque nonchalant confidence. And she even gives hashtag rap a shot with "I'm always on top, roofer."

Listen to the clip and tell us what you think of her flow. Where does she rank on the spectrum of surprising rappers?

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8 Athletes Who Look Like Maurice Sendak 'Wild Things'

Posted 5/8/12 3:30 pm EST by in Art, Funny, News, Sports



Credit: Getty Images/Maurice Sendak

Maurice Sendak, author of the legendary children's book "Where The Wild Things Are," has died at age 83. He was a groundbreaking author around the same time as Dr. Seuss---whereas Dr. Seuss came up with whacked-out rhyming acid trips, Sendak's works were much bleaker, trying to tell it like it is without straight-up depressing the kids reading them.

Since we were pretty much raised on "Wild Things," it's all we can think about today. So we're going to celebrate Sendak and the book's legacy in the most Clutch way we could think of (not counting boob-centric ideas, because we still have some class): eight pro athletes who look like the beasts from "Where The Wild Things Are."

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Cole Hamels Hits Bryce Harper With Pitch Batman-GIF

Posted 5/8/12 12:00 pm EST by in Big Hits, GIFs, News, Sports


Cole Hamels just doesn't give a f***. Everyone knows that pitchers occasionally bean batters on purpose, but they always deny it. Well, not Hamels. He admitted to intentionally smacking Washington Nationals' rookie Bryce Harper in the small of the back on Sunday night with a 93 mph pitch. Now he's serving a five-game suspension.

"I was trying to hit him," the two-time All-Star lefty and 2008 World Series MVP said Sunday night. "I'm not going to deny it. I'm not trying to injure the guy. They're probably not going to like me for it, but I'm not going to say I wasn’t trying to do it. I think they understood the message, and they threw it right back. That's the way, and I respect it."

It may not be the smartest thing to admit, but you have to respect Hamels for keeping it real, just like Batman. That's why we created the above Batman-worthy GIF. Sorry, Harper, you're the Penguin in this scenario.

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